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Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

Time:12:53 pm.
so much time has passed, i dont know where to begin.

in short: i'm turning 30 in October of this year.

in slightly longer terms: here's a quick review of the past decade:

Age 19:
-went to Franklin Pierce College (before it was known as a university) for a year, in Rindge, New Hampshire
-dated a boy named Chris
-almost lost our family friend, Katy, to cancer—she survived
-got into Berklee College of Music in Boston
-dad died of a brain aneurism
-partied. A LOT.
-cut my hair off
-worked in a small casual shop
-dated a boy named Murray
-dated Chris again
-moved from Fuller Street in Magnolia to Totten Lane in West Gloucester—mum & i moved in our friend with Ellen
-started at Berklee College of Music

Age 20:
-left Berklee College of music due to funding
-lived in an apartment affectionally known as The Fire Trap on Maple Street, in down town Gloucester, with Chris and friends Danny & Alyssa
-partied. A LOT. like. ALL THE TIME.
-hung out with my friends Rachel & Meg constantly
-worked 2 jobs, both retail, one in Magnolia, one in Rockport
-played the last of my classical performances
-considered art & art school

Age 21:
-moved out of the Fire Trap and back to West Gloucester, back to Totten Lane with mum & Ellen to save money for school
-broke up (kind of ?) with Chris
-got my portfolio together, art started to happen
-music stopped
-my friend Rachel moved to California
-winter was a reclusive time, lots of snow, the year of the Indonesian Tsunami
-the following summer was (still is refereed to as) the SUMMER OF LIZ, part I.
-applied to & got into Pratt, Boston Art Institute, Art Institute of Chicago & Maine College of Art
-moved to Portland, Maine, with my friend Jahna Salvo, lived on Market Street
-officially transferred to Maine College of Art
-got a job selling diamonds

Age 22:
-began my major in Graphic Design
-officially broke it off with Chris
-joined a burlesque troop, met some great girlfriends— Celeste P., Molly L., Amanda C., Victoria R., Amy B., Beth D., Renee, Elise, Theresa B., Lindsey G.
-met & began dating Joshua
-mum met & later moved in with David
-had a tooth pulled
-still sold diamonds
-was ALWAYS hungry
-learned to trust my instincts & intuition

Age 23:
-still in college
-still lived with Jahna
-still sold diamond
-extremely broke, hungry & heart sick. ALL. THE. TIME.
-did burlesque
-lots of art making, no music
-took a trip to New York
-Joshua  moved to Boston, sort of broke up

Age 24:

-that winter I was at my poorest, hungriest, saddest
-Jahna moved to complete her education
-fellow classmate Kris Johnsen became my roommate
-still sold diamonds
-cut my hair off. again.
-pulled many all nighters at the studio, completed my degree
-reconciled with Joshua
-moved from Portland, Maine, to Cambridge, Massachusetts
-lived with Joshua & 5 of his friends on Western Ave
-was unemployed for 2 months
-get a job in a jewelry store in Harvard Square
-took a trip to New York

Age 25:
-still worked in Harvard Square
-became great friends with Kristen M., & the Silverstein family
-moved to Florence Street with Joshua & an acquaintance named Katy
-played the violin with Tim Barry
-later had a roommate named Nat
-lots of parties, cook outs, bike rides, a very cheap & BOSTON social life
-took trips to NYC, NH, ME
-gave myself bangs
-began going to lots of local band shows
-moved to Appian Way in Allston, Massachusetts, with Joshua, his brother Justin, our friend Sabra

Age 26:
-still worked in Harvard square, did misc. design jobs on the side
-got a NIKON CAMERA as a gift from Joshua— it changed my life—began to obsessively document
-slowly returned to the violin, began to learn how to improv, played some small acoustic shows
-was in a fashion show
-recorded with the bands PILE, MUTT, BARNACLE
-played the violin with Tim Barry at the HOUSE OF BLUES
-became good friends with Hannah S., Dinah R., Emily Z., Eric S., Ian M., Dana D.
-lots of parties
-Rachel moved back from California
-GOT A PUPPY!!! the lovely Penelope Ava (we call her Penny)
-Justin moved to China for a year, our friend David moved in
-Got a PIANO
-Ellen remarried
-Lindsey G. had a baby

Age 27:
-career & relationship rutt, over all general depression // had a bit of a quarter life crisis
-still worked in Harvard Square
-taught violin lessons
-Sabra moved out, Jahna moved in
-very active in music, joined & recorded with FAX
-played lots of shows
-had too many parties
-got a job at design studio in South Boston, long commutes
-sobered up

AGE 28:
-lots of parties
-moved from Appian Way in Allston, to School Street in Watertown, Massachusetts
-family friend Elise died in a car crash
-left FAX, stopped preforming live shows
-began working on own compositions & personal music album
-my mother's mother passed away after having heart surgery
-had a tooth pulled
-travelled to Washington, DC
-Josh's youngest brother got married in Virginia
-decided on having a destination wedding IN PARIS, FRANCE on JULY 1, 2013
-traveled to NYC with my friend Dinah
-got a job at an art magazine
-learned how to drive standard

AGE 29: (now in progress)
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Tuesday, September 14th, 2010

Subject:Grown Up.
Time:12:18 pm.
I've had this journal since I was 17!! Or maybe 16. I don't know.

And it is really, really embarrassing (in an endearing way?). This thing is the equivalent to when parents whip out the naked baby photos and show them around to house guests. And, when looking back, it didn't help that I used this thing to either vent or ego boost. I swear my life was & is happier than I ever portrayed it.


So now what? I guess that over time it just became laborious to prattle on in an adult manner on the same pubescent thread. Or just inappropriate. Its like trying to wear the same clothing you wore in high school. It'll fit, but it wont be pretty.

Now, 9 (or 10) years later, here I am. I graduated highschool. I saw a parent die. I went to a few colleges and actually graduated from one. I moved a bunch. I had a few boyfriends, I broke up with a few boyfriends. I've worked a few jobs. I've made many friends. And now I'm staring 27 in the face.

So how to sum it up?

Well....As of now, today, September 14th 2010:

I live near Harvard Square in Cambridge MA. I live with a mighty fine man named Josh (yes, the same ol' schmoe from Portland. And of all things, we did, in fact, live happily ever after.). I make lots of art. I play lots of music. I bought a piano and a puppy. I don't work at my dream job, but I'm grateful to have it non the less. At night, I tend to fall asleep around 12:00 to 2:00 am and wake up at 9:00 every morning with out an alarm. I still have a hard time making it through the day with out a cup of coffee. I'm more organized than I've ever been. I have an amazing and sizable group of friends; the lonely girl of high school is no more, and for which I'm all the more grateful. I love having the man that I come home to everyday. And my mom? Well, she's just as happy go lucky as always.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Recently, I started what I consider my 'adult' journal. I may pop in and out of this one every so many years....but for the more recent version of my life, you can find me here.

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Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Time:9:01 pm.
.......and they lived happily ever after.
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Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Subject:! 6
Time:2:33 am.
Mood: thankful.
things are curiously amazing and heres why, backwards style:

1. joshua and i are giving it one more chance. hes doing all the giving, and i - for once - am on the receiving side. im moving in with him as of june first into a wonderful apartment that is 5 minutes from central square in cambridge (rent is only $300 each because we're sharing with a pack of his friends...which is good, because they are all good people)....so this means:

2. im leaving portland, the place that ive called home for the past 2 years and 8 months, as of may 31st because:

3. IM GRADUATING MAY 11TH!!!!!!!!!! there for:

4. ive been staying up all night, every night, for the past two weeks because:

5. i have THESIS projects and a 6 page paper all due by may 8th (ie: with in the span of 12 days) so:

6. i'm working like crazy, reaffirming that patience and determination can really yield what it is that your heart really, REALLY, desires, be it in art or love. or both.
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Tuesday, April 15th, 2008

Subject:tax man
Time:5:00 pm.
today i sent off my taxes with a check for the whooping $25 i apparently owe the IRS.

and i loaded the envelope with red, gold, and white glitter.

and then sealed it with green glitter glue.

and then wrote on the back in red colored pencil "I GO TO ART SCHOOL! xo"
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Friday, March 28th, 2008

Time:7:27 pm.
i want to get over this.

i just dont know how to.
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Saturday, March 22nd, 2008

Time:11:42 pm.
easter, a backward count down:

this year:
here in portland. school work and coffee remorse.

middleton. with joshua. with his family. with my family. under one roof.

portland. in school. in some stubborn resistance to the baxter building, making strained phone calls in a drawing room.

dyed eyes with mum for church the night before. kit died on that good friday.

playboy easter bunny underwear party at the firetrap.

home in magnolia, last time i saw dad alive.

dont remember past that besides random childhood bliss. getting teddy bears and bunnies. going evan and laurens. wearing pretty dresses and flower in my hair. the awful smell of lilies in church. playing with ice. too much candy. having a picture taken with a full mouth of baby teeth then loosing a tooth in a marshmellow bunny. mylar egg with chocolate. jelly beans. baskets. eggs, eggs, eggs. ham dinners. family....
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Time:11:25 pm.
i think im depressed. again.
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Time:10:42 pm.
'so this is a song about when a relationship is great and everything is going along fine...and then you find out that your special someone is sleeping with a bunch of other people. so really, this is a song about sharing. you know, letting go of the "me" .'

is it wrong that i find that hilarious??
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Friday, March 7th, 2008

Time:1:15 pm.
The Two
by W. H. Auden

You are the town and we are the clock.
We are the guardians of the gate in the rock.
The Two.
On your left and on your right
In the day and in the night,
We are watching you.

Wiser not to ask just what has occurred
To them who disobeyed our word;
To those
We were the whirlpool, we were the reef,
We were the formal nightmare, grief
And the unlucky rose.

Climb up the crane, learn the sailor’s words
When the ships from the islands laden with birds
Come in.
Tell your stories of fishing and other men’s wives:
The expansive moments of constricted lives
In the lighted inn.

But do not imagine we do not know
Nor that what you hide with such care won’t show
At a glance.
Nothing is done, nothing is said,
But don’t make the mistake of believing us dead:
I shouldn’t dance.

We’re afraid in that case you’ll have a fall.
We’ve been watching you over the garden wall
For hours.
The sky is darkening like a stain,
Something is going to fall like rain
And it won’t be flowers.

When the green field comes off like a lid
Revealing what was much better hid:
And look, behind you without a sound
The woods have come up and are standing round
In deadly crescent.

The bolt is sliding in its groove,
Outside the window is the black removers’ van.
And now with sudden swift emergence
Come the woman in dark glasses and humpbacked surgeons
And the scissors man.

This might happen any day
So be careful what you say
Or do.
Be clean, be tidy, oil the lock,
Trim the garden, wind the clock,
Remember the Two.
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Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

Time:3:31 am.
i find myself in a constant state of waking apnea. a smooth breath has never been so treasured as i desperately attempt to force out the pain of others that persistently infiltrates my spinning brain. the weight of what presses there is beyond suffocating. my god, this isnt love.
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Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

Time:10:43 pm.
ive never felt like any of this was hopeless until now.

i felt your shape
by the microphones

I thought I felt your shape but I was wrong
Really all I felt was falsely strong
I held on tight and closed my eyes
It was dumb I had no sense of your size

It was dumb to hold so tight
But last night
On the birthday in the kitchen
My grip was loose my eyes were open

I felt your shape and heard you breathing
I felt the rise and fall of your chest
I felt your fall
Your winter snows
Your gusty blow
Your lava flow
I felt it all
Your starry night
Your lack of light
With limp arms I can feel most of you

I hung around your neck independently
And my loss was overwhelmed
By this new depth I don’t think I ever felt

But I don’t know
The nights are cold
And I remember warmth
I could have sworn I wasn’t alone
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, February 5th, 2008

Time:1:42 am.
if the world were about to end (and this being an ending that was already well publicized – that is, it was no new news that it were about to happen, there for all debts had already been paid, all crimes committed, all the drugs done, and all love made) heres how i would like to go:

scenario i, with the girl friends:
we're all ridiculously drunk on champagne, rolling around in glitter and feathers, while wearing either amazingly beautiful drapery or being buck-ass naked.

scenario ii, with mum:
we go down with guns blazing, raging against some form of authority till the bloody end, taking all that we can with us.

scenario iii, with the lover:
we lay in a filled bath tub, and while holding one another, we let the hot water drain.

scenario iv, with random strangers:
while laughing and crying at the same time, i kiss every one of them full on the lips and slip them the tongue

scenario v, alone:
i walk into the ocean and do the backstroke out to sea, until there is no shore.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

Subject:february eggs
Time:8:59 pm.
it use to be all eggs and syrup at 3 am.

ok. ill back up.

i dont know if ive ever had a healthy romantic relationship.

seeing how im the only common factor to this equation, ive often wondered what, what on earth, is wrong with me (?). mum told me that life is nothing but a journey of opening the heart. i wonder if i open mine too much. not open like a door. its open like an aeroplane hanger. and no, not even open. my heart is an organ having an identity crisis. its gaping and swallowing. theres a love-sucking black hole where my heart use to be. a bottomless stomach that belches "i love you"s like a mating call business card. its not desporate for it. my heart is hungry. its been so repeatedly drained of what it has to give.

in all its metaphorical lame bizzarity, feed my heart god damn it!

and my wallet. feed that too. but thats a different complaint.

ive never been afraid of being alone. no, really. yes, seriously. its one of the few and sick graces bestowed unto an only child (along with an over fondness of imaginary friends and half finished art projects). and i get a perverted high when i make someone happy. i delight in their (his) smile. but its always come with the silent and unknown (even to me) statement: "ok. now its your turn!"

gimme gimme.

neil never thought i gave enough, even before the terror times set in, when i was afraid of him. i dont know if he will ever be aware of what i fucking gave up for him.

chris always said that i was easily pleased but never satisfied. that was a rather right one statement, because he only returned half of what i gave.

and joshua. joshua knows all of this. and all hes said (and they have all said this, so he cant claim originality) is that i am too good for him. that i make this all too easy. this is always followed by the quiet and reckoning silence that follows a sad truth.

or perhaps i really am impossible. its very likely, you know.

or perhaps their all shmucks. a waste of unconditional love.

or perhaps im easy. an easy emo-whore. a cardio slut. my crotch may be locked down like fort knox for 99% of the population, but ive allowed my heart to get fucked by every romantic living thing that greases its way towards me.

and im twenty four. not a big deal. im confident that the right fellow is around here/out there somewhere...

...theres just this deflated feeling that over takes when i think that joshua very well may not be "the one" (or if i get divorced and married a million times in my life span, then "one of the ones").

god, how i fell into that trap last year. it was during a denny's breakfast at 3 am, a frozen february morning. cold weather, hot eggs, and a funny little love that seemed surprisingly...well, surprising. we knew that we had unintentionally grew to silently love each other. but then something happened. actually, that something is called "mom's two cents" and the two of our mothers had actually whispered a quick poison in the ear of each of us. it was a plot worthy of shakespear - was it hamlet in which the king is killed with a drop of poison in the ear? ironic, the girl (ophilia) goes nuts in that story too...

anyways, he was like a child in confession as we stuck to that retched syruped linoleum booth. i think i even choked on a bit of pancake when he just blurted it out. the script would read something like:

the scene: in a painfully neon lit Denny's all night breakfast restaurant, about 1/3 full of groggy patrons. its february in portland, maine, 3 am. lets say its a wednesday.

two tired, disheveled college students are escorted to a booth. their walk is sluggish but they chatter with surprising vigor about the absurdities of art school and how they are the clichés of what they fought against. they mention a funny thanks to eachother for thwarting eachothers desire to buy all black and consider their personal pain a form of performance art. one is a tall male in a long sleeve, plaid flannel shirt, two sweatshirts, and ripped jeans. the other is a small female, wearing overly an stylish peacoat, kakis, and an absurdly long scarf. both have their hair sloppily tucked under winter knit hats. the waiter looks grey and resentful and serves them water with his thumb hooked over the lip of poorly washed tumbler glass. theres bits of egg on the table that is ground into the table top, rather than wiped off, by the servers apron. they order and then receive their breakfast.

boy: sipping coffee "sorry ive seemed so distant lately."
girl: "oh? i havent noticed."

they turn their attention to their breakfast again, but now they both seem distracted.

boy: poking at his eggs with a fork. “my mom thinks we’re going to get married.”

the girl chokes a little and desperately attempts to chew a large amount of food she had just shoved in her mouth. she reaches for water and looks at him.

boy: “i was talking to her a few days ago and she said she really likes you-“
girl: not blinking, monotone, “well that’s good.”
boy: “and she was like, ‘i think you’re going to marry her’.”
girl: "oh."

they grow quiet again.

girl: "my...my mom said the same thing about you actually."
Boy: "oh."

end scene.

that was it. that was all it took. the trap snapped shut and i fell for an illusion of security.

this was a great lesson, i know. i just dont appreciate it. not fully. and not yet.
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Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Time:9:47 pm.
Mood: depressed.
god help me, im thinking about quitting school. again.
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Sunday, January 13th, 2008

Time:2:34 pm.
i dont know how i will pay my rent thats due in two days.
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Thursday, January 10th, 2008

Time:6:38 pm.
christmas was absolutely beautiful as new years was reaffirming. here's to no more false starts.
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Thursday, December 27th, 2007

Time:2:31 pm.
last friday, with the aid of a hair stylist, i ceremoniously sliced the summer right out of my head and shed 5 inches of hair. when that salon floor was swept i resolved to either make or break everything for the up coming new year. later than night i rescued myself from purgatory with a passionate demand that only truth invents. fuck the middle ground. we all capable of legitimate happiness and creating our own paradise, but it is completely up to us as individuals to decide who it is that joins us there. standing up for what i hold sacred is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, because in doing so i know that i can loose some of my most precious things…but i also know that to remain quiet is blasphemous to them, and i will not be made a liar for the sake of that false tranquility that only ignorance possesses. as cliché as it is, love is what i believe in and i cannot have it disgraced in my heart or in the eyes of others.
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Friday, December 7th, 2007

Time:1:06 pm.
ive been up for over 30 hours.

for the third time this week.

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Subject:of violins and couches
Time:12:01 am.
every night ive dreamt of different significants. old boy friends, room mates, friends. and none of it has been abstract, as things often are in dreamscapes. they are all snap shots and short reels of the experiences we knew collective, when we randomly converged and then parted like the branches tree branches. ive stopped trying to find meaning in any of it. sometimes life throws alchemy and omens at you when you are too blind too understand all of its hidden messages. but sometimes, dreams are just dreams. experiences undertaken just for witnessing. feelings ingested just so they may be labeled and then shelved.

my music teacher once told me that transitions are always the most difficult in life. at the time, we were investigating one of bach's brandenburg’s and she was directly speaking of music, separation, and death simultaneously. the irony of it all caused us to carry out the rest of the violin lesson while seated; something that was never done, but of once our knees gave out at the same time, we ended up sitting on her ugly yellow tweed couch in the music room with the violins on the knee.

that couch had been received just after her marriage twenty odd years ago (and two years later, it had also gone on to be my funny salvation when i was a wanderer in my own town, having many roofs but none that belonged to my concept of home, even when its metal rod to its pull out bed gave me a funny gate the morning after). we had spoken about all of this, a 50 year old violin master and her 19 year old pupil, both in an utter state of silent shock; it had been several months after my father's death and her own divorce coming to fruition and that damnable couch was about to witness its last expulsion of change. our violins were the brunt of our wrath, joy, and desperate need to comprehend the ephemeral but that ichy, ugly couch let us rest when we had nothing left to release into the air way.

that couch was gone when i returned to that house two three years after conversation. it had been replaced with a black leather sofa that had been given to her for free. i slept on it once and vowed to never do it again.

ive coped with the unkeepable in ways that monks might envy through understanding and loving the creation of music. and when i have a place of my own, i will always make sure there is a pull out couch. i owe it to the universe.
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LiveJournal for Elizabeth the Non Believer.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.